why do you wanna be good so bad?
I've been reading Ham on Rye by Charles Bukowski this week. I've had numerous occasions where he validated my experiences, surprised the fuck out of me, or made me pause and think.
One recurring theme in his book and life has been his ability to not give a fuck what others think about him. This gave him an unmatched aura of honesty and authenticity. He would blurt out whatever came to his mind, and people loved him for that.
It touches really nicely on a quote I read recently.
Be authentic to who you are. People will either walk out or get used to it. They don't really have any other choice.
It made me think of how I have lived my whole life. I was brought up by kind-spirited parents who spent their entire lives pleasing others. My culture puts respect and care for others above everything else. I developed people-pleasing tendencies early on and carried them into my adult life. Somewhere during all these years, I forgot to exist, forgot that I also have desires, forgot about my needs, forgot that I am alive, and that I can change it all.
I know I'm not alone. At some point, I stopped and asked myself: why are you trying so hard to be a "good guy"? The people you're trying to impress will always find a reason to tear you down. Even if you could get something out of being a good guy, would it be worth it if you end up hating yourself?
The invisible audience will never be happy regardless of what you do. Mental fatigue, self-doubt, and exhaustion are the only outputs of this garbage mental model.
Why not focus on yourself and what makes you tick?
If you want to eat something, eat it. If you wanna visit a city or indulge in a guilty pleasure, you don't need permission. You don't need to apologize for your feelings.
It's absolutely bonkers to walk around with my shoulders hunched, afraid, timid, cowardly, disguised as a human being. Break out of it.