myth of ambition
I come from humble beginnings. I've seen poverty, having less than your friends, parents fighting over finances, and my birthdays being non-existent.
I've had one gear since my teenage years. That's the gear of ambition. I don't want to feel poor. I don't want to feel vulnerable, an afterthought, or not having enough to provide for my loved ones. I've been tackling a different demon in recent weeks.
I don't know if it is an existential crisis, nihilism, or finally waking up to how things have always been. I've been pushing back against mindless pursuit of materialistic possessions, ambitions with origins unknown, the constant restlessness and invisible but forever present gut anxiety about not being enough.
What if your ambition is a way to not think? What if humans invented all these ideas about how one ought to live life so we don't have to ponder over our eventual demise and the fragility of existence? What if ambition is distracting us from the most important thing in our lives?
I was watching this 50 Cent video yesterday. He talks about how Eminem never went on tours despite being offered an insane amount of money. He always pushed back, saying, "I don't want to go on a tour, come back and have my kids all grown up." Now 50 Cent is realizing that those kids are indeed grown up. It feels like yesterday. He never understood what Eminem meant, but he does now. Eminem made the right choice.
I don't want to come to my invisible destination and realize the happiest moments of my life were scattered in the years where I didn't have the awareness or the time to pause and look at them. I want to slow things down. I want to quiet the moments and absorb them to the best of my abilities. Truly present and live every moment awake.